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Dear Verizon,

First, let me congratulate you on a fairly witty pun-based ad campaign. You’re making a point, and with quite a bit of gumption, given the lack of cool smartphones available on your larger-than-life network (several blogs have called you on this). It’s also interesting to see how both you and Microsoft have tacitly conceded that Apple now owns the conversation; imitation, however sarcastic, is still the sincerest form of flattery. Second, I’ll acknowledge our past relationship; nine good years with excellent coverage and several fairly decent phones. You still insist on sending me flyers trying to lure me back, but I’m just not that into you right now. And here’s why:

Recently, I took a trip to NYC that was going to involve some serious subway time. It was a personal trip, so I couldn’t expense cab rides all over, and I was staying in New Jersey, so my options for getting into the city were fairly limited. But you know what? There’s an app for that! Called HopStop, it’s an on-the-go version of the excellent HopStop.com website, which provides public transit route planning for several global metropolitan areas, including NYC/NJ. The website wasn’t always available, given that much of the subway runs underground, and reception in NYC can be somewhat spotty, but luckily the iPhone app caches your trip, so you can verify your directions even deep underground. The interface is also cleaner, with less text entry and no zooming required to navigate. And this, dear Verizon, is why I just can’t be with you right now.

You see, it’s not the size of your network that matters. It’s how you use it. (I can use clichéd puns, too!) And your woeful selection of crippled phones really just doesn’t cut it.  The bullet point list of features and capabilities on the phones/your network are worth next to nothing compared to a phone that actually changes the way you live your life.  AT&T’s poor service is a stumbling block, yes, and I’ve had several not-so-nice thoughts about them when my calls are dropped/won’t go through or I have no service.  But I’m staying in this relationship because I’m getting what I need.  Your new Android-based phone is interesting, and I might be tempted to look at it, but doubtless it carries some dumb limitation.  Why couldn’t I get my pictures off my old VZ phones without using your expensive MMS service?  Why were my ringtones locked to one phone, and one phone only?  Why were the Bluetooth features of all your phones artificially limited to the point they were virtually useless?  Maybe we could enroll in couples therapy and get to the root of your control issues?

Really Verizon, the problem here is that with the iPhone, I’m happy.  Why?  Because whatever I could conceivably want/need/wish to accomplish or dream of doing is possible.  When Apple & AT&T say, “There’s an app for that”, they’re really saying, “You want it, you got it.”  In this relationship, I feel an adequate sense of give and take.  I give them my money, and in return, I get a phone that gets me, makes my life easier, better, more entertaining, less spastic (flailing to get a cab in Times Square is, let’s face it, not at all dignified).  As a sidebar, the maps app built into the iPhone has some pretty sweet NYC transit direction abilities as well, though they’re not as good with covering other places I frequently visit (Washington DC and Atlanta, mainly).  When I was with you, I felt like you took took took, and all I got in return was a semi-functional hunk of plastic that always looked better in the store than it did when I brought it home.  So you can keep your map.  We can still be friends, but please, stop with the mailers trying to win me back.  I’ve moved on, and quite frankly, you’ll get me back when you pry my iPhone from cold, dead hands.

Yours most sincerely,
~Aaron Kraus